# Your Emotions Aren't the Enemy ##### Feeling everything is better than pretending you feel nothing  --- Anger, sadness, fear, and anxiety, are bad. Right? They must be. Because society tells us to numb them. Hide them. Run from them. We shove them down so deep we can pretend they don’t exist. We will do just about anything rather than actually feeling or expressing them. *All my life I have felt this so deeply.* I felt too much. I was too sensitive. Too emotional. The world was loud and intense. I genuinely believed something was wrong with me, with feeling so deeply, so many emotions all at once. So I did what so many of us learn to do - I shoved those emotions down and labelled them as “bad.” But here’s the thing… they’re not bad at all. Emotions aren’t meant to be bottled up, numbed or pushed away. They’re there to be felt. To show us something. And, sometimes, to fuel us. --- ### Anger Girls are not allowed to be angry, right? Girls are “nice,” and “sweet,” and keep their voices down. *What a load of fucking bullshit.* Anger is *not* something to be ashamed of. It’s powerful. A force that can get shit done when it’s harnessed right. When we embrace our anger instead of shaming ourselves for it, it becomes a tool. Rather than letting it consume us, we can direct it. Anger can fuel us to make changes. Set boundaries. Speak up. And say, “no, this isn’t OK.” We need to use it, not let it use us. ### Sadness I used to think sadness was something to fix. I spent so much money on books and courses on “how to be happy.” I genuinely believed that if I could just stay happy all the time, I’d be “fixed.” I thought sadness was the enemy. But sadness isn’t a problem that needs solving. Sadness highlights our sensitivity. Our ability to connect deeply. It means we’re human. It’s just another part of the emotional spectrum. Experiencing sadness doesn’t mean we’re broken... it means we’re alive. ### Fear At one point, I literally had “Live Fearlessly” embroidered on my work uniform. As if fear itself was something to defeat. But fear isn’t the problem - it’s what we do with it that matters. We’re wired to feel fear. It’s a survival instinct. And honestly, “living fearlessly” is a load of crap. It’s not about eliminating fear. It’s about acknowledging it. Feeling it. And choosing to ‘do it anyway‘. Fear tells us we’re stretching beyond our comfort zones. That we’re reaching into something new. It’s not there to stop us. *It’s there to make us pause. To pay attention. To grow.* ### Anxiety And then, there’s anxiety. Anxiety gets such a bad rap. Maybe the worst out of all the bunch? *Maybe!* But here’s the truth… *it’s just another emotion.* Yes it’s fucking uncomfortable. And there are times I’d give *anything* to shake it off. But the more I make peace with my anxiety, the less it controls me. When I see anxiety as a passing emotion, it doesn’t last very long (or at least not *as* long). Instead of being anxious about being anxious... I let myself feel it. I acknowledge it. *It’s just another wave. Passing through. --- ## Emotions are meant to be felt (all of them!) I used to chase happiness. I thought if I could stay happy, all of the time, everything would be fine. (As if that was something that was normal or even possible!) But the more I chased it, the more frustrated and disappointed I felt. It’s the paradox of happiness. The harder you try and hold on to it, the more it slips through your fingers. Eventually, I gave up. I realised that life isn’t about always being happy. Life is about feeling whatever comes my way. And I want to experience it all. Not just the ‘good’ ones. But the dark ones too  *(And I have had some very, very dark ones).* My goal is not to just feel nice things. My goal is to live fully. --- ## How I process my emotions The thing about emotions is, they don’t stay forever. They come. They go. And they usually leave faster if we just let ourselves just feel them. Emily Nagoski says emotions as tunnels. And that if we allow ourselves to go all the way through an emotion (as in a tunnel), we’ll reach the light at the end. It’s when we resist or refuse to process an emotion that we get stuck. Looping in the same emotional tunnel for days, weeks, sometimes months at a time. These days, I’ve become much better at noticing when I’m stuck in one of these emotional tunnels. Where it used to take days or even weeks, now I can usually shift myself out of it in a few hours. Now don’t get me wrong, there are times when I *love* to wallow. And I want to remain stuck in that sadness for just a little bit longer. I don’t know why. *It just feels like it’s what I need in that moment.* But now I know that whenever I get ‘stuck’ and when I’m ready to move on, I can help process the emotions. And get to the other side of the tunnel. --- ## My go-to tools for moving through emotions So how do I move through emotions when I’m feeling stuck? I’ve got a toolkit I turn to. And I’ll be honest... it’s taken practice to figure out what works for me. Which means you need to figure out what works for *you*. But these tools are like magic for helping me feel and release emotions. Here’s what I turn to when I need to process what I’m feeling: ### Dancing Ok so maybe it’s less dancing and more jumping around. I put on my headphones. And just move. This is better when no-one is around. And in my kitchen. Sliding in my socks. ### Singing Just as I can’t ‘dance’ as such, I’m not very good at singing either. But I don’t give a shit. I love how letting out my voice can release so much pent-up energy. This I especially love to do whilst driving. ### Screaming Sometimes you just need a really good scream. This I find usually happens when I am on my spin bike. And it feels fucking amazing. Although I’m not sure my neighbours are too happy about it. ### Crying I am a serial crier. Seriously, I love it! And probably do it most days. In the car. In the shower. Watching something on TV. There is just something about a good old cry that takes me to the other side of the tunnel. And I feel *so* much better afterwards. ### Writing Nothing processes emotions like putting pen to paper. Whether it’s journalling or even writing blogs like this one. Writing can help me work through emotions that I’m struggling with. ### Walking Fresh air and movement help me feel grounded. In fact, now I think of this as more *preventative* medicine. When I walk twice a day I feel so much more resilient. It’s like I’m processing emotions as they’re happening through the day rather than letting them build up. ### Listening to music We are a family of music lovers. And I have learned that not only does it help me process my emotions but music can also change both my son’s emotional landscape in minutes. *I’m especially loving listening to the 8D version of ‘California Dreamin’, right now. On repeat.* ### Breathwork Simple, intentional breathing calms my nervous system. Combine it with some music and the mix is just perfect. Sometimes it’s more difficult to just pause and breath, than say, move my body. But *sometimes* its exactly what I need. ### Showering Washing away heavy emotions. *In fact, it’s not just showering, but water in general.* Being by the sea. Washing my hands. Washing the pots. Water has a way of cleansing us. ### Cleaning There’s something about tidying up that helps me clear my head. Sometimes I have this rampage clean when I’m angry. I mean 30-40 minutes where I stick on headphones (there’s that music part again) and I hoover. And fold. And wipe. And clean. And wash. And on and on... *I use the word 'rampage' as that’s exactly what it looks like.* But once I’m done, I feel so much better. And I have a clean and tidy house too. Bonus! ### Riding my spin bike When I’m angry, *nothing* beats getting on my spin bike. Pop on my headphones (again). Move my body. Add in some screaming. *(And grunting when things get tough.)* And Bob’s your uncle. I literally feel my whole body release. I mean *physically* release. *I have this wave run down the back of my neck and through my spine.* My shoulders drop. My body calms. I can breathe again. --- --- Now not all these tools work for every emotion. When I’m anxious - walking, breathing, and music help calm me down. When I’m scared - I turn to writing. When I’m angry - I get on my bike or clean. And when I’m sad - I let myself cry *(or Swamp).* Sometimes, I’m not even sure what I need, so I’ll try one tool, then another. *Whatever gets me moving, keeps me from staying stuck.* --- ## Learning to self-regulate All of this is about helping my nervous system. About self-regulation. When I acknowledge and honour my emotions (instead of shutting them down) I give them permission to flow through me. I don’t get “stuck” nearly as often anymore. Find what works for you. Create your own toolkit. Feel everything. Don’t chase happiness. Don’t run from anger or sadness or fear. Feel. It. All. Life *isn’t* about the constant pursuit of “good” feelings. It’s about experiencing everything. The dark. The light. The messy. The fucked up. The beautiful. That’s where real freedom lies. In living it all.