# Removing the Suits I Have Worn for the Last 20 Years ##### Letting go of the identities I thought defined me  --- I've spent a lot of time asking myself one question over the last few years. *"What now?"* As [Ram Dass pointed out to me (not personally – but in a YouTube)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76zZZmN1XhE&feature=youtu.be), I have spent much of my adult life wearing numerous 'spacesuits'. And I was good at using my spacesuits. In fact, I was so good that I could no longer differentiate myself from my spacesuits anymore. --- ## In the beginning... When I got my first suit 20+ years ago, everybody kept telling me how impressive my suit was. And that because I wore the suit so well, I must be *so* happy. Then I saw another coach, like me, who had just obtained a new suit. One with *even more* status. So I enrolled on another course. And I learned how to use *that* new suit. Everyone told me how much more impressive that suit was. And how good I was at wearing it. Then another suit came. And another. And another. --- ## None of the suits fitted The problem was that none of the suits I’ve been wearing for the past 2 decades actually fit very well. I kept thinking that the *next* suit would be the one that actually felt right. But in truth – I was *never* going to find “the one.” And I learned this fact during lockdown – when I took off my most recent suit. This was the first time in forever that I could actually be *me*, instead of the suit I was wearing. --- ## And yet I continued to wear them But when things went back to 'normal', I put my suit back on again. Even though it felt wrong. I put it back on because I was so afraid of who I would be without my suit. Having no suit during lockdown was fine. But who would I be without the suits I have worn for half of my life? One day, I was sitting chatting with a colleague, and they told me how good I was at wearing my suit. And that I should teach others how to wear it, too. Because doing so would bring even more “success.” Around the same time, businesses approached me and offered me an even better suit. One with even *more* “status.” My ego reached out for the new suits. For the status. For the success. Saying yes to it all. --- ## Until enough was enough But there was part of me that knew – once I put on the suits, I wouldn't be able to take them off again. So, instead, I turned them down. All of them. Not only that, but eventually, I decided to take off the suits I'd worn for so long. So now I sit here writing this to you. Naked.*(Not literally, obviously... it’s way too cold in Wales for that).* I sit here with the knowledge that there is no suit out there that will ever feel as good as being naked feels. Does that mean I'll never wear a suit again? I’d like to think so. But I doubt it. There are so many impressive-looking suits out there. And my fear of missing out (paired with my need to feel good enough) will probably mean I’ll try on a few for size. But I'm hoping that writing this will help me remember – nothing feels as good as being myself. Without the need to prove anything. Without the need to wear a fancy suit. So now I ask you – what suits are *you* wearing that no longer fit?