# Fawn, Freeze & Shame ##### Untangling Pain ---  --- ## tl;dr - Fawning is a stress response in which we please others to avoid harm; people pleasing can become a repeated pattern. - Expectations that women put others first can mean ignoring or minimising our own pain. - Freezing can feel like shutdown, numbness, or disconnection when fighting or fleeing does not feel possible. - Pain and not being able to care for others can bring shame, which adds another layer of distress. - It is okay to ask for help, notice the shame, and let it go; pain now does not mean pain forever. > [!abstract]- Transcript > > So when we are stressed, we need to respond in a way that helps us survive. And we have spoken about the fight or flight response before in another training. But there are other things that we may do to help us guarantee our safety and our survival. So when we experience stress or a trauma, it can actually make us people pleasers. > > So this fawn response, as it's thought of. can be thought alongside the fight or flight response. So the fawn response, F A W N, is a way to describe it when we try and please the other person to avoid harm. Now, this may be a good strategy when we're in the middle of a threat, but sometimes we may find that we feel this need to do this over and over again, resulting in us becoming people pleasers. > > The fact is that 75% of unpaid work is done by women. This means that we spend between 3 and 6 hours a day on unpaid work. That's compared to men's average of 30 minutes to 2 hours. > > Now, this isn't trying to point the blame at men at all. > > It's simply stating that as women, we are often conditioned to put the needs of others first. Our partners, our children, our work and colleagues, we are conditioned to put their needs above our own needs. And we are conditioned to become people pleasers. As a result, this often teaches women to ignore or to minimise their pain so that they don't disrupt all the things that they need to be doing, all the things that they think they should be doing as a caregiver. And within their social expectations. > > Now, obviously, this may not be a survival response. It may be just our personality. Either way, this people pleasing, this constant need to do things for others, to put others first before our own needs, really can impact our pain. > > Another survival response to stress that goes alongside the fight or flight or the fawn response is the freeze response. > > So, the freeze response happens when the brain assesses a threat. And, as Emily Nagoski says, it decides that you're too slow to run and too small to fight. So, your best hope for survival is to play dead until the threat goes away or someone comes along to help you. > > You can imagine this threat when you're running away from a lion. You can't outrun it. You can't fight it. So as Nagoski says, your nervous system slams on the brakes and you collapse and you play dead. > > That is freeze. > > But if we think of the word freeze, we might also think of the words shut down. Numb. Disconnected. And sometimes this is what happens when there is just too much for us to deal with, we shut down, we do become numb, we disconnect from our feelings or suppress anything that may hurt us. And it doesn't need to be a big T trauma for this to happen. > > It may be that after so many paper cuts, our body decides that it's better to play dead and wait until the threat is gone. Or until somebody comes to help us. This is especially true for women who experience chronic pain. > > So you can see that this actually links in with the nervous system. And actually The fight, flight, and fawn response, they are all part of the sympathetic nervous system. > > I've mentioned the sympathetic nervous system before. The sympathetic nervous system literally, being the fight or flight response. Or in this case, the fight, flight, and fawn response. > > It's interesting to note that this freeze response is actually part of the parasympathetic nervous system. And actually something I did learn recently is that the word sympathetic actually means "with emotion". > > Which makes sense, right? > > Whereas parasympathetic means "beyond emotion". So I've mentioned that the parasympathetic response is that rest and digest response. But in some cases, like in this freeze response, it may mean that we become disengaged from the world. We just don't care anymore. Nothing seems to matter. > > We feel sluggish. Emotionally disconnected and numb. And emotional disconnection is a common experience for women living with chronic pain and it manifests as a feeling of numbness. This detachment from emotions. This difficulty in connecting with others. Again this is all a coping mechanism that we use to manage the overwhelming pain and stress that is associated with the condition. > > You can see how this disconnection, it really impacts our quality of life and relationships. We already know how important relationships and connection are when it comes to helping with our pain. > > Carrying on from this. There is so much shame around pain and it's understandable, especially if this pain is having an impact on our quality of life and our relationships. > > Chronic pain and shame, they are linked. And feeling ashamed about having long term pain can make people more likely to struggle with their mental health, like feeling anxious or depressed. > > We already know that our mental health can have an impact on our pain, you know, we're in this cycle. And this shame needs to stop. > > This isn't just the case for women, but we are often told that we are weak. That we're emotional. That we shouldn't make a scene, or that we should just grin and bear it. > > After all, we have to look after everyone else, right? So when we can't look after everyone else, because of the pain, we feel ashamed. And when we can't connect with people because of the pain, we feel ashamed. When we can't do the things we want to do or that others want or need us to do because of the pain, we feel ashamed. > > But just because you have chronic pain now, does not mean it's going to be this way forever. Give yourself permission to look after you. Know that it's okay to ask for help, and that there is no shame in having pain. Or where you are in your life right now. Feel the shame. By all means, feel it. > > Feel every emotion. Feel this shame. Acknowledge that it's there. Tell people how you feel and then let the shame go. You do not need to hold onto it any longer. Next lesson → [[Untangling Pain – Module 3 Lesson 09 – PNIE & Final Thoughts|PNIE & Final Thoughts]] %% ## Extra ## Version 1: Full Stress and Survival Responses So when we are stressed, we need to respond in a way that helps us survive We have spoken about the fight or flight response before in another training But there are other things that we may do to help us guarantee our safety and our survival When we experience stress or a trauma, it can actually make us people pleasers The Fawn Response The fawn response, as it’s thought of, can be thought alongside the fight or flight response The fawn response, F A W N, is a way to describe it when we try and please the other person to avoid harm This may be a good strategy when we’re in the middle of a threat But sometimes we may find that we feel this need to do this over and over again, resulting in us becoming people pleasers Conditioning and Gender Roles 75% of unpaid work is done by women This means that we spend between 3 and 6 hours a day on unpaid work That’s compared to men’s average of 30 minutes to 2 hours This isn’t trying to point the blame at men at all It’s simply stating that as women, we are often conditioned to put the needs of others first Our partners, our children, our work and colleagues—we are conditioned to put their needs above our own needs We are conditioned to become people pleasers This often teaches women to ignore or to minimise their pain So that they don’t disrupt all the things that they need to be doing, all the things that they think they should be doing as a caregiver And within their social expectations People Pleasing and Pain This may not be a survival response It may be just our personality Either way, this people pleasing, this constant need to do things for others, to put others first before our own needs, really can impact our pain The Freeze Response Another survival response to stress that goes alongside the fight or flight or the fawn response is the freeze response The freeze response happens when the brain assesses a threat As Emily Nagoski says, it decides that you’re too slow to run and too small to fight So your best hope for survival is to play dead until the threat goes away or someone comes along to help you You can imagine this threat when you’re running away from a lion You can’t outrun it You can’t fight it So as Nagoski says, your nervous system slams on the brakes and you collapse and you play dead That is freeze Shutdown and Disconnection If we think of the word freeze, we might also think of the words shut down, numb, disconnected Sometimes this is what happens when there is just too much for us to deal with We shut down, we do become numb, we disconnect from our feelings or suppress anything that may hurt us It doesn’t need to be a big T trauma for this to happen It may be that after so many paper cuts, our body decides that it’s better to play dead and wait until the threat is gone Or until somebody comes to help us This is especially true for women who experience chronic pain The Nervous System This actually links in with the nervous system The fight, flight, and fawn response, they are all part of the sympathetic nervous system I’ve mentioned the sympathetic nervous system before The sympathetic nervous system literally, being the fight or flight response Or in this case, the fight, flight, and fawn response It’s interesting to note that this freeze response is actually part of the parasympathetic nervous system Something I did learn recently is that the word sympathetic actually means “with emotion” Which makes sense, right? Whereas parasympathetic means “beyond emotion” The parasympathetic response is that rest and digest response But in some cases, like in this freeze response, it may mean that we become disengaged from the world We just don’t care anymore Nothing seems to matter We feel sluggish Emotionally disconnected and numb Emotional Disconnection and Chronic Pain Emotional disconnection is a common experience for women living with chronic pain It manifests as a feeling of numbness This detachment from emotions This difficulty in connecting with others This is all a coping mechanism that we use to manage the overwhelming pain and stress that is associated with the condition This disconnection really impacts our quality of life and relationships We already know how important relationships and connection are when it comes to helping with our pain Shame and Chronic Pain There is so much shame around pain It’s understandable, especially if this pain is having an impact on our quality of life and our relationships Chronic pain and shame, they are linked Feeling ashamed about having long term pain can make people more likely to struggle with their mental health Like feeling anxious or depressed We already know that our mental health can have an impact on our pain We’re in this cycle This shame needs to stop This isn’t just the case for women, but we are often told that we are weak That we’re emotional That we shouldn’t make a scene, or that we should just grin and bear it After all, we have to look after everyone else, right? So when we can’t look after everyone else, because of the pain, we feel ashamed When we can’t connect with people because of the pain, we feel ashamed When we can’t do the things we want to do or that others want or need us to do because of the pain, we feel ashamed Releasing Shame Just because you have chronic pain now, does not mean it’s going to be this way forever Give yourself permission to look after you Know that it’s okay to ask for help There is no shame in having pain Or where you are in your life right now Feel the shame By all means, feel it Feel every emotion Feel this shame Acknowledge that it’s there Tell people how you feel And then let the shame go You do not need to hold onto it any longer ⸻ Resources or Mentioned Fight, flight, fawn, freeze responses Emily Nagoski Sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system ⸻ ## ![[Meta/01 Attachments/Calm Shit down - build shit up BLOG.assets/Image (15).png|Image.png]] ![[Meta/01 Attachments/Calm Shit down - build shit up BLOG.assets/Image (16).png|Image.png]] ![[Meta/01 Attachments/Calm Shit down - build shit up BLOG.assets/Image (17).png|Image.png]] --- ## Watch the lesson %%