# Stop Searching for Your Purpose ##### The two questions you need to ask instead  --- What is my purpose? How many of us have asked ourselves that question? I need to put my hand up a million times. Because it's the question that I have wasted so many years asking. Now here’s the thing: I fucking *hate* that question. As if there is one thing that we should be doing to give our life meaning. But I don’t believe there is just one thing. That there is a single purpose for each of us in this life. I think when we ask this question, it’s because something is feeling off in our lives. And we want clarity. We want to know what we *should* be doing. And to know that there is a right way for us. This is especially the case in midlife. When the life we are living doesn’t match what is deep in our soul. So in that case, rather than asking what my purpose is, there are a few questions we can ask instead. --- ## 1. What really matters to me? When I first asked myself this question, I wrote about honesty, compassion, and resilience. But this question isn't about our values *(or at least it shouldn't be)*. Yes, values are important. But most of us already *know* what values are important to us. What we don't know is what *really* matters to us. What makes us feel whole. What makes us feel grounded. What makes us feel alive. What makes our heart sing. This is the question where we ask... > *If time and money were no object, what would I want to spend my time doing?* Or maybe even: > *What do I need to do to create ease and wellbeing in my life?* Basically, *what really matters to me now?* When I asked one of my clients this question, her first response was: *"I would rest."* It wasn't the answer that I was expecting. But it was what mattered to her *right now*. She was feeling the weight of the world after doing and doing and doing for so long. After looking after everyone else. Now, all she wanted was to rest. To spend time at home. To enjoy time with her family. And to just, well, *be.* That doesn't mean this is what she wants to do for the rest of her life. Just that, this is what matters to her *right now.* Had she been thinking about her *purpose*, then maybe rest would have felt selfish. But it’s not. It’s what she needs. What her body, mind, and soul desperately call for. --- ### So what was on my list? Here it is: - Silence/time to think - Having time on my own (space!) - Being myself (in all my seasons) - Being creative (expressing myself through writing) - Learning - Feeling strong (fitness) - Exploring my mind/my thinking (journalling & deep conversations) - Connecting with women - Not working evenings - Family dinners - Dog walks with James There is nothing extravagant there. But as Shauna Niequist said: >[!quote] > We're addicted to big and sweeping and photo-ready—crossing oceans, changing it all, starting new things, dreams and visions and challenges, marathons and flights and ascending tall peaks. > > But the rush to scramble up onto platforms, to cross oceans, to be heard and seen and known sometimes comes at a cost, and sometimes the most beautiful things we do are invisible, unsexy. Having spent time seeing what other women have added to their lists, I can confirm that, for the majority, they are filled with small things. With simplicity. With ease. So again, ask yourself, *What matters to me now?* --- ## 2. Am I living it? So we now know what matters to us, right? Of course we do. We've made our list above. (*If you haven’t, go do it now. It’s ok. I’ll wait.*) Right, so we know what matters to us. It could be family. Our health. Or our fitness. Or maybe it’s creating our dream business. Continued learning. Or our friendships. Or maybe even, as my client said... *taking time to rest.* Whatever. Remember, it is what matters to *you.* --- If we say our family matters to us, is this reflected in what we do? Are we spending quality time with them? Or are they just getting what little energy we have left? Maybe we are working more than we need to. Or we haven’t set boundaries for others who are taking our precious time away from our families. What if we say that creating our dream business matters to us? Are we taking action? Are we putting in the work that it needs? Or are we holding back? Whether it's due to lack of time, or not knowing what to do next. Or maybe because we are afraid. Imposter syndrome and procrastination rearing their heads. Whatever we say matters to us, we again need to question whether we are actually *living* it. Because when our inner world (what we say matters) doesn’t match our outer world (what we are doing), then we are out of alignment. There is no congruency. And this shows up for us. We feel lost. Anxious. Stressed. A feeling that something is wrong. That we are not ourselves. And we may not even know where this is coming from. Hence, we need to take a step back and reflect. And we need to question whether our actions are aligning with our words. Because chances are, if something feels off, it probably is. --- ## Final thoughts What matters to us changes through life. Which is why we need to take the time to sit and consider what matters *right now*. But more than anything, we need to adjust our lives accordingly. We need to live in alignment. We need that congruency. This is especially true at midlife. Can you feel it? Rather than the thing we want being something that would be *nice* to do, things become more immediate. A feeling that, if not now, when? So I ask you again... What really matters to you now? And are you living it?