# not understanding arousal nonconcordance can lead to gaslighting > In the age of Me Too and Time's Up, people ask me,"How do I even know what my partner wants and likes?Is all consent to be verbal and contractual now?"There are times when consent is ambiguous and we need a large-scale cultural conversation about that.But can we make sure we're noticing how clear consent is if we eliminate this myth?In every example I've described so far, one partner recognized and articulated what they wanted and liked:"I want you right now." "No."And their partner told them they were wrong.It's gaslighting.Profound and degrading.You say you feel one way, but your body proves that you feel something else. And we only do this around sexuality ,because arousal nonconcordance happens with every emotional and motivational system we have.If my mouth waters when I bite into a wormy apple, does anybody say to me,"You said no, but your body said yes?"[[(Emily Nagoski, 2018)#^w7ivc]]